Wednesday, October 1, 2014

New Jobs

I don't know if any of you guys have heard, but me and Chris got new jobs a couple months ago!

.... in our home, that is.

Chris has bumped me up to what I can only assume is a management position. My job title: Kitchen Coordinator. Here's a little job listing for those of you who may be interested in the same type of position in your own home.

Kitchen Coordinator
Full-time and part-time opportunities available

Key Job Duties:

  • Service customer (Christomer) seeking assistance with finding the tupperware lids, because holy sh*z there's way more containers than lids in this drawer!
  • Project a homeless/gender-confused image at all times. Cleaning braless encouraged.
  • Recognize, document, and alert Christomer when they haven't soaked their cheese crusted plate in the sink!!!
  • Uphold impossibly high standards for a clean kitchen (and expect Christomer to know what those standards are without telling him).
  • Prepare meals and tell Christomer to just get out of the kitchen because he's in your way.
  • Assign Christomer job-related duties, and then just do them yourself, because he's not doing them the "right way." 
  • Excellent lip syncing and dancing around the kitchen skills.
  • Passion for finishing tasks early and watching Netflix.
  • Desire to make kitchen coordinating a career.
  • A successful track record working with Christomers.
  • Able to solve problems by calling mom and asking her what she would do, because she knows everything.  

Essential Job Functions:

  • Ability to sweep nasty floor content onto carpet and vacuum it, because sweeping it into a dustpan is just way too hard.
  • Ability to avoid mopping at all costs.
  • Ability to alternate sitting in the living room and cleaning in the kitchen throughout an episode of Grey's Anatomy, and sometimes longer if there's something good on E! News. 
  • Ability to handle and solve all types of Christomer service issues via eye rolling and nagging.

If this doesn't sound like the best fit for you, you might want to consider looking into a job like Chris'. He just recently got promoted to Alarm Clock Coordinator. This position doesn't require as much as Kitchen Coordinator, but it does require you work nights. Behold:

Alarm Clock Coordinator
Must be willing to be compensated in back scratches/or morning cuddles

Key Job Duties:
  • Assist customer seeking to wake up early in the morning, by reminding them that they never wake up on time, and to stop setting their alarm so early.
  • Setting alarm clock at a more realistic time for customer on your own phone.
  • Demand customer to remove all ridiculous alarms from their phone, and remind them to silence it before sleeping. 
  • Document and alert customer when they have over-slept. 
  • Desire to get no less than 8 hours of sleep every single night.
  • Passion for cuddling with customer.
Essential Job Functions:
  • Ability to press the snooze button.
  • Ability to convince customer to stay in bed for "just five more minutes."
  • Ability to laugh at customer every single day for being late.

What do you guys think about our jobs!? Pretty awesome, huh? 

Speaking of awesome.... I convinced my Alarm Clock Coordinator to join me for dinner at Red Robin tonight because I had a free birthday burger coupon that was going to expire today. But wait! That's not even the awesome part.... We got our meal for FREE. Apparently there was some miscommunication in the back, so we had to wait forever to get our burgers--totally worth it to get a free meal + dessert + $14 in coupons, though!

If this is what the rest of October is going to be like, I'm more than okay with it (even if my leggings aren't). 

Happy October 1st! 

 photo postsignature.jpg

1 comment:

  1. I looked at the picture you posted for a minute thinking that your kitchen looked huge and were you lying on the floor while taking it because the cabinets are so far above your head. But the Red Robin sign helped me figure it out. Also, "Uphold impossibly high standards for a clean kitchen (and expect Christomer to know what those standards are without telling him)." was absolutely spot on.