SPOILER ALERT: I'M NOT PREGNANT. So please, no rubbing my pooch if you ever see me in person--it'll just be awkward for everyone. Especially when I try to play it off by saying something along the lines of "You know, I usually let people buy me dinner before I let them do that" and you'll give me that pity/hesitant giggle and avoid eye contact with me the rest of the day. Also, I don't need any more reminders about the fact that I run 4-5 times a week and still have a pooch...
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Why?!
I've really had to sit down and ask myself this question. Every time I've asked myself why I'm jealous, I've always come up with answers like, "Well me and Chris have been married longer than they have! Shouldn't we be having a baby before them?"
And then I have to ask myself...Do I really wish I was pregnant right now? To which my mind immediately says, YES! I want to be all cute and pregnant and have a gender reveal party and blog "bumpdates" and have baby showers and dress my baby in the cutest clothes and have everyone be excited for me and take pretty maternity pictures and be complimented on my "pregnancy" glow and and and... !!
Then my heart sinks a little because I realize that those are all incredibly selfish reasons to want to have a baby, and I am nowhere even close to being ready to have one because of that. I feel guilty for even thinking that way when there are so many people I know that can't have kids, have a really hard time getting pregnant, or are currently having fertility issues. I'm sure those people have much better reasons to wanting a baby then for all the reasons I just listed. Also, what makes me think I'm so special and that I won't be in the same boat they're in someday?! I just assume that when I want to get pregnant it'll happen automatically--no waiting or struggle. Oh, the selfishness and inconsiderateness! Can you see why I'm not mature enough to have a baby yet?!
I will say that I have at least one good reason on wanting to have a baby right now: Chris.
I get so excited thinking about Chris as a dad because I know he will be an amazing one! I love watching him with kids. He really just has a natural talent with them. The only problem is that when Chris says he wants a baby, he really means toddler. We'll work on that when the time comes, though.
That time will [hopefully] be the same time when my reasons for wanting a baby are more than just about myself. I know that I'll be ready (well, as ready as I can be...if that's possible?) when posting pregnant selfies on Instagram and having an excuse to eat chili cheese fries after midnight are not the only reasons I look forward to being pregnant. Oh, and I'll know I'm ready when I no longer shudder at the idea of having to share food and dish up someone else's plate before my own--I don't know how you mamas do it!
But for now, I'll work on growing up.
I actually had a really hard time when my last niece was born. I was so JEALOUS. I blogged about it too. Haha. I was so jealous that people were having the opportunity to be a mom and I wasn't. I mean come on Heavenly Father isn't that a righteous desire??? But it's been so interesting to watch how he teaches me. I think you will be an amazing mom and it's not selfish to want to post pictures like that hahaha because I have already planned out what my engagement picture will be like (hashtags and all....seriously Rachel?) I don't know where my thought process is going right now and this comment is probably too explicit but there ya go.
ReplyDeleteHaha thanks, Rach! Love you. I can't wait to see your future engagement pictures ;)
DeleteTEAM BABY!!
ReplyDeleteI am already planning your shower--I'm thinking "shower" themed--rain clouds, yellow boots, red umbrellas.
When you are ready, of course...
In the meantime we'll just enjoy having a favorite aunt and uncle who will "borrow" our kids for Trafalga, 7 peaks and swimming. The more practice the better, right?
Oh my gosh... YES. You are officially in charge of throwing me a shower, Shell! That sounds so cute... you're not helping me change my thought process on wanting a baby, though ;) I'm definitely okay with "borrowing" your kids until that time comes, though! They're the cutest and me and Chris talk about them every single day!
DeleteFor some reason I cried the whole time reading this. And then I lost it when I saw a picture of chris with that little girl. What is my problem look what you have done! Haha
ReplyDeleteI know what your problem is J ;) haha did you see through your tears that the "little girl" is Ry Ry?! :) It's my favorite picture of Chris right now haha.
DeleteSo as you know I am ALL for team BABY! haha but I also LOVED the time when it was just Jake and I. I cherish the 2 and a half years it was just me and him! You are in such a fun stage right now, and its totally normal to feel selfish and at the same time to want a baby! And babies, just kinda force the growing up but at the same time bring out your inner child. Basically the whole point of this comment is...Just being Chris and Shayli right now is so much fun so enjoy it, but the second your prego enjoy that too! Cause its all awesome and all worth it!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jenessa! I definitely know what you're saying and I am fully enjoying Chris and Shayli time! :)
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